Metamorphosis

“Called beyond the confines of this
chrysalis by a force I cannot see
or name, I am compelled by pain
and something bigger than myself
to leave the protection of all that I
have known. There is struggle, doubt,
an awkward setting forth. Finally I
break free of the cocoon and find
myself surrounded by air and light.
I dare to act, still not knowing what
I am; instinct, or maybe faith bids me
move forward, make the leap, explore
this mystery of change and flight.
I find myself with wings that dwarf
my former world. Unfurled, they dry
quickly in the sun. I, who expected
to spend my days crawling, now
teach myself to soar. Such a rush
of wind and freedom that first
flight teaches me more than I had
learned in a lifetime of crawling.
- Going In and In | Danna Faulds

This closing quote, shared by my friend Shana, has had a huge emotional impact on my relationship and appreciation of my practice. 

Right now I'm reading Teach Only Love By Gerald Jampolsky which has helped me further understand exactly why Danna Fauld's quote has had such a huge impact on my life. In Teach Only Love, Gerald mentions how we come into this world breathless-- literally. When we are born, we gasp for air because we don't know what breathing is. Gerald goes on to explain how many people, even as they "grow up", still live in a suffocating nature of breathlessness. This isn't to say that our lives are so amazing that it's taking our breath away. This is commenting on the human tendency to suffocate and drown in our problems-- LITERALLY. How often do we go through emotional struggles that end up altering how we breathe? We break down crying and our breath comes out in short wisps, we may even hyperventilate. For example, someone we love dies and we go into shock, possibly forgetting to breathe for quit some time-- ironically forgetting about the very essence of what keeps us alive. 

In the physical body the way we breathe is often ignored. In a recent anatomy lesson, we had a student go in front of the room as we all watched her breathe. We noticed she was naturally only breathing into about half of her lung capacity. Most of the time we're barely allowing our bodies the oxygen it can hold, the oxygen that it needs! Once we addressed that, the student started forming a wave-like figure in her body in relationship with her breath. There was a rise and fall in her chest AND stomach. For me this was eye opening. Pay attention to where you breathe and where you don't. I've spent much of my time breathing solely into my chest, completely ignoring my stomach's capacity to hold and release oxygen. This is a limitation I put on my body, as well as many more.

Looking back on how I've handled things most of my life, I noticed patterns of holding on and resentment. While accepting whatever struggles came my way and portraying myself in a way that said "It's okay, I'm fine", I never stopped to admit that some times I wasn't. I pushed my feelings deep down wherever it is they go, and they sat there. At least that's what I assumed they were doing until I paid more attention to how I acted towards the people around me and the way I treated myself. I was hurtful and impulsive, impatient and wounded. And for a long time I operated this way, accepting the person I was becoming without realizing it wasn't the person I wanted to be. Only through yoga was I able to recognize that I was imploding with feelings of resentment and anger about things I refused to talk about. Awareness of this limitation I put on myself allowed me to open up both physically and internally to myself and to others. Without this awareness I would've continued to go through life mindless; gasping and struggling- failing to recognize the potential in myself, in others, and in the "mundane" everyday-ness. 

Now I see myself trying new things with vulnerable fearlessness. I see myself forgiving people, telling people how they make me feel, and then letting go of the negative emotions that are no longer relevant. Things I would never have expected to be able to do, things I would've accepted not doing- but things I need to do in order to continue reaching towards fulfillment.

"I, who expected to spend my days crawling, now teach myself to soar."

We Are Not Inadequate

At the end of each training session, a different person "closes us out". This is basically to practice how we would close out a class of our own. It also usually incorporates a quote to emphasize the theme we potentially weaved throughout our class. It's astounded me how freakishly relevant a lot of the quotes are to my life and what I've been realizing throughout the training process. Last Saturday, Kathleen closed with this quote by Marianne Williamson-- 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

What I didn't realize is how often we down play our goodness in order to fit in versus stand out. People don't like feeling inadequate around other people, therefore people tend to shrink in order to make others feel big. But what if we all lived, existing in our highest potential. WHY would we NOT? We are not doing anybody a favor by downplaying what we've been blessed with. We are not doing ourselves a favor by surrounding ourselves with people that don't illuminate and emphasize our greatness.

For me this plays out in so many ways. I am mortified when I am on the cusp of something amazing. As I'm learning more and more about teaching yoga and as I'm growing in knowledge- my thoughts are working against me. I worry that I won't be able to reach a group of people that will want to be taught by me. I worry I'll mess up. I worry I'm not confident enough or friendly enough or fit enough... but why? It's because I am more than capable and my potential is so great that it's frightening. It's our minds tendency to second guess ourselves and be afraid when we move into unknown territory, which naturally feels extremely vulnerable.  

It's the same within the physical practice (which is always the case). When I head into more difficult classes where I know inversions will be an option or where holding a position is longer or more difficult, I'll pull out. Being in core demanding positions, for example, are very difficult. My body shakes because it is changing. It's becoming stronger. This is usually the point when people (including myself) stop trying. This is the vital point we need to push past. This is because our bodies are always capable, which is not a commonly accepted belief. Our mind determines our relationship with our bodies. And to ACCEPT that are bodies are limitless, that WE are limitless humans is absolutely frightening. This is because once we truly accept this premise we won't settle for less; we are sent on a mental adventure of fulfillment. We want to be our best. And we will be our best once we will tell ourselves that we are.