I Can, I Am

Hey ya'll. Did you miss me?! Yeah, me too. Some times life is like that. For a while something as small as the existence of a butterfly will inspire me to pour my heart out and then a couple of days later I want nothing to do with my own creative energies. But, I realized I've had a lot of reoccurring thoughts that I would love to throw up and give out to all of you.


So, about a month or so ago I read this article on Elephant Journal (hyper link is within the text, ps: you can only read 3 Elephant Journal articles a day so pick wisely!) about self-healing and ended up investing more of myself into this seemingly simple 3-step program than I ever expected to.


The first step tells you to take accountability for your problem, whatever that may be. And while that sounds simple, it never has been for me. BUT what got me was when Ben Ralston told me to physically put my problem in my hands and hold it... look at it. So often when my feelings are involved I detach myself, releasing my problems into the abyss of who knows where, which resulted in no healing what so ever. But when I pictured my suffering as a tangible object that I was responsible for, everything changed.


I consider myself to be very empathetic towards other people. If people need my help, no matter who they are, I try my best to help in a logical way. But for myself, I don't. I never act in a sense of urgency in terms of my own happiness or wellbeing. So I get that this kind of sounds like, look at how selfless I am, I'm such a good person omg. But in all honesty this is me saying, I destroy and distract myself so that I don't have to take responsibility. And let me tell you, abandoning yourself when you're in need is just as bad as abandoning the people you love when they need you. An act of selflessness towards others is equivalent to selfless love towards yourself. Existing is balance of give and take. So when I neglected myself I was becoming an increasingly worse version of myself, regardless of what I did for other people on the surface.


So going back to this "journey of healing," I began to accept that I have this problem or these problems and they're all sitting in my hands, as Ben Ralston has told me to do. They are my responsibility now and they require intentional action and care. In my own mind, I pictured it (although this sounds absurd) something like having a child. I was holding this symbolic problem child baby in my hands and realized that if this were the case there isn't anything I wouldn't do to help this tangible little problem baby of mine (yeah, my mind is weird...). By placing my problems outside of myself, I could now see them as a priority, just like I do when other people are having problems and need help. Realizing that was the most important step.


Second on Ralston's list was to figure out the root of the problem. This is the core of where my heart has been focused for a while now. What was the true source of my suffering?


It's important to realize that "vairagya does not mean suppression or developing repulsion for material objects," it simply focuses around the spiritual self in order to emphasize values. That is the bottom line.

For example, you aren't posting a picture in anticipation or expectation of 'likes' or achievement in a sense of self image, you aren't working out to achieve a perfect body, you aren't giving to the homeless in hopes of 'good karma', you aren't doing anything really because of anything but you just are. You are simply creating an outlet for the present moment in your own life and soul, you are listening and receptive to what your body and mind want in their natural essences because they work together to speak to us, whether we listen or not. With this state of existence you become truly selfless to yourself and others through presence. These are things that are lacking and the reason suffering is so imminent in today's world. Although I don't claim to have mastered any of which I have learned, the awareness of these truths have helped me work towards being the person I want to be.

Validation.

I believe that is the source of almost all cases of suffering I see within people in general.

Every problem we have as humans we inflict upon ourselves. The way we perceive situations is how our mind and body react. Depending on how much love you have for yourself, other people, and the world depends on how much validation you require in order to accumulate a certain level of satisfaction. And that sounds absolutely horrible, because it is.


What I've realized, through my own experiences, is that most of my negative emotions and reactions towards myself and others stem from a place of feeling incompetent. When you fight with others you are actually in a much more severe war against yourself when you consider the premises for which you are angry or why these emotions are effecting you in such a strong way. There is a sense of apathy needed in order to realize the importance of self empowerment.


To be more clear, I came to this conclusion through the realization that most of the negative emotions I experience from other people are mirrors of other people's struggles. When you think about it, we all are as each of us are individually. This world is intrinsically and undoubtedly interrelated. When people say that you are who you surround yourself with, they are right.


In the western world we are taught to perceive ourself through lenses that we are taught, many of which are detrimental to the wellbeing of our extremely advanced minds.


Here is a little scenario I would like to share with you all.


A lot of emphasis of the modern world is validation through social media. We all know this and I know I am a good example of this. I have over 500 followers on Instagram and constantly receive over 100 likes. BUT the pictures in which I initially did are almost always of myself and never of things that truly spoke volumes about what I value. Only through creating my preconceived image did I see myself getting praise for being the person I truly am. We are obsessed with the image, never the person.


Just the other day I posted an entry from a poetry book I am reading called This Human By: Serena Chopra.


"I admire you human but I am embarrassed for the body
once made critical by function and utility and now made critical by consumerism,
and conniving utility of a transparent entity, something like power,
and equally without adequate ends.
This environment has made the physical body irrelevant.


The body has become an affect
of the individual who possesses it, who is falsely convinced of its significance
and is sacrificed plastic atop a mound of market.
This looks like the architecture of a modern, middle-class home.
The architecture of an actual body is more honest."



In earlier days of humanity, people found happiness and fulfillment in the capabilities of providing for their family and implementing the physical capabilities of the human body. The reward system was tangible and physically apparent (ex. Dad would hunt food for family, family is fed, Dad sees smiles on his children's faces, the family's bodies are healthy and strong etc). Now, praise is "transparent" and the reward system is omniscient. The proximity in which we are providing for others is increasingly separating. With an undoubtedly interrelated world, this fact is horrifying.



Unsurprisingly, this post received 32 likes and was overlooked by an estimated 800 of my 900 followers for the mere fact that it is time consuming to read and unfocused on the self.


So, what the hell am I going to do about it? What are we all going to do about it? Ben Ralston asks us to "heal the problem" as his third step. He also makes the claim that this is the easiest step. To me, it is not.

There are no answers, only actions.

Awareness of the problem progresses the process but doesn't justify the difficulty in surpassing pressures we all feel. The means through which I found myself healing was through release.


Grasping is a source of suffering involved with validation that needs to be let go in order to grow. To me, this is one of the most beneficial means of healing the problems of societal influences. There is no way that this world is going to regress and part with the impositions we face now. There are always forces causing validation, there always will be. If it's not how many "likes" we get or how many friends we have on fb, it's how much food we can accumulate for our families, it's how much education we achieve... it's always something.


Vairagya is a sanskrit word that translates to "dispassion, detachment, or renunciation, in particular renunciation from the pains and pleasures in the material world," this is what I was referring to when I spoke about apathy earlier. It is a hierarchal means of thinking that is beneficial to human growth because it is detached from the idea of the ego, which is separate from things that truly serve us as opposed to what we are told benefits us.


I can, I am is a mantra I repeat to myself daily. It is my way of letting go of the egotistical self in order to focus around the values I see as important. To me this means eliminating the ego all together. I can ____ , I am _____; an "unfinished" sentence filled with endless capabilities which nobody can fill in. This is detaching from outcome, validation, and motivation. This is presence and purpose.

Alone But Never Lonely

I've noticed tremendous shifts in my personality and behaviors over the past 6 months. One of the major changes is my time and how I fill it and who I fill it with. It's been difficult for me to consciously determine who and where I want to be and what I want to do. Part of me is obsessed with the idea that my closest companions in life need to share the same passions I do, think the way I do, and treat others the way I want them to. This is clearly ridiculous but for some time and for some reason I began to question everything I was surrounded by in order to agree with these expectations. I began to pull away from people and in turn spent a lot of time alone.

I've read all of the articles there is on this type of "transformation". Articles explaining how people's bad energies become stronger once you become more sensitive about your environment after constructing your ideal sense of place and how this discomfort was potentially sending me on my way there. What I'm referencing for those that are interested is this article. Yes, a lot of it applies to similar feelings I have been experiencing. Yoga instead of most every thing else in life, pressed juices over tequila shots, and yes almost my entire life and soul changed once I committed myself to the yoga world. My belief in this article is rooted in awareness. Awareness of our surroundings both physically but also relationally. Something I've never been good at.

I'm a wanderer. I've never settled for just one friend group or even stuck with a single sport for that matter. So when I began thinking that people needed to be more involved with my passions and lifestyle, obviously I felt some discomfort when I realized that almost no one did. Once I moved on I began focusing more on the personality traits of people I spent most of my time with. I also began to notice the authenticity of the countless friendships I seemed to have. That's where I hit another mental block.

Because when you have a lot of people to call on a Friday night but not many to stay in and cry on the couch and drink wine with when your family isn't doing well or you're overwhelmed with events in your life, when the real stuff happens- that's when you need to reevaluate where and with whom you're spending your time.

It's a sick cycle to break once you begin to justify superficial friendships and you start making excuses for yourself and others. I used to do this constantly. People were busy, I wasn't a good enough friend. It's dissatisfying to feel like you have to prove yourself all of the time in order to receive the free love which friendships are supposed to hold.

During or after realizing this, I spent a lot of time alone. I subconsciously began to evaluate situations and people with whom I felt the most drawn to and why. With this new found awareness I began to create a space that I was happy with and a space that I wanted to devote myself to. While I feel as if I'm still in the process of putting things in place, I no longer feel like I need to take master control over everything. I honestly feel as if life is happening and I'm merely a chess piece moving around underneath some divine control. Because despite feeling so confused, even still, with the process playing out in my life I see beautiful things unfolding; the people I value on an intimate level stay while the rest fade away. Isn't it cool how the universe can do that for you?

If I remember correctly I had this thought ("alone but never lonely") when I was going through teacher training. It was right around the time things started getting heavy and I started imploding, isolating myself in an attempt to answer questions I had. But the strange part of this seemingly horrible feeling was that it felt really really good. And after all of the time since then I haven't been able to figure out how to describe that in an accurate manner but, quite simply that's the bottom line. It feels good to fill my days with things I love, people I can talk to. It feels good riding my bike or walking to and from yoga class. It feels good reading books in my bed. It feels good trusting that while I may be doing things on my own for now, I will always have exactly what I need- exactly who I need. It feels good to know that when everything seems out of your control and you can step back and let things fall away with a smile and hopeful grace, you begin to live the epitome of your own life.

Creating Space

Training (round 1) is over and done with, but my journey is just beginning, yeee!! I will be continuing my training with CorePowerYoga in their extensions program, which includes lectures about more fine tuning things such as music (etc) as well as furthering my knowledge of the sequence so that I can move into making my own creative classes (such as c2's). I also get the pleasure of teaching FREE community yoga classes every Sunday evening at 5:15pm at the North Boulder CorePower studio alongside my Omies! So come stretch it out. This is a great place to begin your practice if you're new and feeling vulnerable because WE ARE TOO!
~

"Some changes look negative on the surface
but you will soon realize that SPACE is being created
 in your life for something new to emerge."
- Eckhart Tolle

The other day in class one of my absolute favorite instructors, Chris D, closed her class by saying "give yourself a hug of gratitude; thank yourself for the space you have created here today". While  I have heard this multiple times- this time around I really felt it. I've been struggling with the mental vs physical benefits of yoga. After going through the training process yoga had started to become more of a workout obligation and routine instead of a spiritual journey of enlightenment. But what I neglected to notice was the organic space that was being created without my conscious awareness.

Often times when things get hectic in my mind it feels like everyone on planet Earth is running a marathon in my tiny little head. What I didn't initially realize was how quiet everything gets for 60 minutes when I am planted on my mat. Although I perceived a spiritual block in my practice due to my newfound focus on the asana aspect of yoga, I've finally realized this space of calmness that's been created. While I'm adjusting where my right foot is in accordance with my left or whatever it is I'm looking at or adjusting, I realize I'm not focusing on the million other thoughts that race through my mind every second of every day.

- Space -

I've spent so much time upset at the end of yoga, some times in tears, asking myself why I haven't felt God or experienced some sort of emotional revelation. While all along I've been receiving things that I haven't been consciously accepting. When I take a step back, I notice.

From here there is more space for me to think about how to grow. What do I have to get done in order to be where I want to be? There is more space for me to understand. There is more space for me to listen in the silence.

Mental space is vital. So often as humans we act out of impulse. Whatever feels good- sounds good- looks good- at the time, is what we desire and act on. And I am the best example of this. In the past whenever someone used to make me angry, the first thing out of my mouth was the first thing that popped into my head. This was also typically the most hurtful thing I could think of. In compromising situations our brains fight to "protect" ourselves. As we grow up we learn different ways of doing so. For me, I learned I could either silence myself and get trampled on or be vicious and pretend I didn't have tender emotions in order to appear in control. Neither really worked out too well for me. I don't know how to be silent when I'm angry and my heart is too overpowering for me to ignore, plus I can't make decisions to save my life- therefore I should never be in control of anyone other than myself. With that being said, I found it hard to know exactly how to act and react in certain situations. But I've learned that you don't always have to know right away-

With that revelation I found space and time between an action and reaction- this is understanding that my fight or flight instincts and reactions are not in control of how I act.

There is space for perspective and patience. When you are busy focusing on your reply in a conversation, you are incapable of sympathizing and understanding someone else (which is what I find to be one of our prime purposes in life). If everyone's intention was to attempt to understand, wouldn't we all breathe a little easier knowing someone was trying? If we took a single breath before we replied to someone in a situation, how often would we change our reaction? I know for me it would be 98% of the time. Putting space between my impulsive actions and creating a new, healthier reaction is something I couldn't have accomplished without yoga. 

I've noticed that I've also created a lot of space around myself and for myself, which is just as important. Self love. Something I struggle with. I spend a lot more time alone, doing things with myself and for myself that I didn't before. I'll clean my room and sing and dance around with a smile or just lay in bed and look out my window, without any desire other than to exist in the present moment. I actually caught myself talking to my phone case the other day while I was trying to find it and then ended up laughing at myself. It is a space I've created to sit inside with gratitude. I won't necessarily be thinking about anything or anyone, just sitting there appreciating what I'm surrounded by. Being thankful that I have windows that show me the expanse of the sky or a big bed to sprawl out inside of. This is a sense of clarity I didn't realize I had until now.

Space of my own. 

Space is also created in your body as you begin to adjust into your practice. I recently learned that child's pose may come across as suffocating or claustrophobic to people new in their practice due to the fact that your diaphragm is limited by your thigh compression. As you practice more and more, physical space opens up in poses such as these and you begin to breathe easier. Your body adjusts to the strains you put on it and thanks you for testing its capabilities. Like I've said before, your body is always capable but it's your mind that creates limits. Through yoga there is space to know the difference.

And lastly, yoga is a space all of its own. At least for me I've noticed how individual each practice gets. This might sound weird but if you do yoga and you think back to the first or second class you took, what were you doing the whole time? Probably watching other people to see what the hell you're supposed to be doing. There's really no other option at the beginning of your practice. But as you get more comfortable a space is created around yourself on your mat for you to explore all the other avenues that yoga has to offer. Maybe it's connecting with your breath, your spirit, a higher power, or just paying attention to your physical body and listening to what it's telling you. Whatever it may be, the individual space for learning and receiving is created. This may be received consciously or completely outside of your awareness but the best part is- it's unavoidable. The control of your breath, the space between your inhales and exhales and where it takes your body, the places it challenges you and helps you is a meditation all on its own. 

Metamorphosis

“Called beyond the confines of this
chrysalis by a force I cannot see
or name, I am compelled by pain
and something bigger than myself
to leave the protection of all that I
have known. There is struggle, doubt,
an awkward setting forth. Finally I
break free of the cocoon and find
myself surrounded by air and light.
I dare to act, still not knowing what
I am; instinct, or maybe faith bids me
move forward, make the leap, explore
this mystery of change and flight.
I find myself with wings that dwarf
my former world. Unfurled, they dry
quickly in the sun. I, who expected
to spend my days crawling, now
teach myself to soar. Such a rush
of wind and freedom that first
flight teaches me more than I had
learned in a lifetime of crawling.
- Going In and In | Danna Faulds

This closing quote, shared by my friend Shana, has had a huge emotional impact on my relationship and appreciation of my practice. 

Right now I'm reading Teach Only Love By Gerald Jampolsky which has helped me further understand exactly why Danna Fauld's quote has had such a huge impact on my life. In Teach Only Love, Gerald mentions how we come into this world breathless-- literally. When we are born, we gasp for air because we don't know what breathing is. Gerald goes on to explain how many people, even as they "grow up", still live in a suffocating nature of breathlessness. This isn't to say that our lives are so amazing that it's taking our breath away. This is commenting on the human tendency to suffocate and drown in our problems-- LITERALLY. How often do we go through emotional struggles that end up altering how we breathe? We break down crying and our breath comes out in short wisps, we may even hyperventilate. For example, someone we love dies and we go into shock, possibly forgetting to breathe for quit some time-- ironically forgetting about the very essence of what keeps us alive. 

In the physical body the way we breathe is often ignored. In a recent anatomy lesson, we had a student go in front of the room as we all watched her breathe. We noticed she was naturally only breathing into about half of her lung capacity. Most of the time we're barely allowing our bodies the oxygen it can hold, the oxygen that it needs! Once we addressed that, the student started forming a wave-like figure in her body in relationship with her breath. There was a rise and fall in her chest AND stomach. For me this was eye opening. Pay attention to where you breathe and where you don't. I've spent much of my time breathing solely into my chest, completely ignoring my stomach's capacity to hold and release oxygen. This is a limitation I put on my body, as well as many more.

Looking back on how I've handled things most of my life, I noticed patterns of holding on and resentment. While accepting whatever struggles came my way and portraying myself in a way that said "It's okay, I'm fine", I never stopped to admit that some times I wasn't. I pushed my feelings deep down wherever it is they go, and they sat there. At least that's what I assumed they were doing until I paid more attention to how I acted towards the people around me and the way I treated myself. I was hurtful and impulsive, impatient and wounded. And for a long time I operated this way, accepting the person I was becoming without realizing it wasn't the person I wanted to be. Only through yoga was I able to recognize that I was imploding with feelings of resentment and anger about things I refused to talk about. Awareness of this limitation I put on myself allowed me to open up both physically and internally to myself and to others. Without this awareness I would've continued to go through life mindless; gasping and struggling- failing to recognize the potential in myself, in others, and in the "mundane" everyday-ness. 

Now I see myself trying new things with vulnerable fearlessness. I see myself forgiving people, telling people how they make me feel, and then letting go of the negative emotions that are no longer relevant. Things I would never have expected to be able to do, things I would've accepted not doing- but things I need to do in order to continue reaching towards fulfillment.

"I, who expected to spend my days crawling, now teach myself to soar."

We Are Not Inadequate

At the end of each training session, a different person "closes us out". This is basically to practice how we would close out a class of our own. It also usually incorporates a quote to emphasize the theme we potentially weaved throughout our class. It's astounded me how freakishly relevant a lot of the quotes are to my life and what I've been realizing throughout the training process. Last Saturday, Kathleen closed with this quote by Marianne Williamson-- 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

What I didn't realize is how often we down play our goodness in order to fit in versus stand out. People don't like feeling inadequate around other people, therefore people tend to shrink in order to make others feel big. But what if we all lived, existing in our highest potential. WHY would we NOT? We are not doing anybody a favor by downplaying what we've been blessed with. We are not doing ourselves a favor by surrounding ourselves with people that don't illuminate and emphasize our greatness.

For me this plays out in so many ways. I am mortified when I am on the cusp of something amazing. As I'm learning more and more about teaching yoga and as I'm growing in knowledge- my thoughts are working against me. I worry that I won't be able to reach a group of people that will want to be taught by me. I worry I'll mess up. I worry I'm not confident enough or friendly enough or fit enough... but why? It's because I am more than capable and my potential is so great that it's frightening. It's our minds tendency to second guess ourselves and be afraid when we move into unknown territory, which naturally feels extremely vulnerable.  

It's the same within the physical practice (which is always the case). When I head into more difficult classes where I know inversions will be an option or where holding a position is longer or more difficult, I'll pull out. Being in core demanding positions, for example, are very difficult. My body shakes because it is changing. It's becoming stronger. This is usually the point when people (including myself) stop trying. This is the vital point we need to push past. This is because our bodies are always capable, which is not a commonly accepted belief. Our mind determines our relationship with our bodies. And to ACCEPT that are bodies are limitless, that WE are limitless humans is absolutely frightening. This is because once we truly accept this premise we won't settle for less; we are sent on a mental adventure of fulfillment. We want to be our best. And we will be our best once we will tell ourselves that we are.

Om

We've reached the second week in our training series and after consistent journaling, I've finally made the revelation that this experience wouldn't be complete without a blog devoted to the soul searching endeavor I've been going through. While I'm required to record after each yoga class and training session I take through this process, I'm going to use this blog as a more reflective outlet to share with you all due to the fact that this process has turned into somewhat of a clusterfuck of epiphanies.

When I began doing yoga religiously, about a year and a half ago, it was evident right away that the benefits of yoga were endless (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc) but it wasn't until teacher training that I really began to infuse and understand these benefits both on and off of my mat. 

Since we're somewhat behind in my travels, I'm going to backtrack a ways to when these blunt revelations first latched on and began to shake my world.

I was reading our required text, Journey Into Power By Baron Baptiste, for the first time when the First Principle sent a bullet hole soaring through my comfortably numb heart. The First Principle titled "We Are Either Now Here or Nowhere" was my first real epiphany. It explained that memories can be fantastical and wonderful or painful and limiting but, "The past and the future are not places. They are, essentially, nowhere. So you see you are either now here or you are nowhere" -- speaking to the theme of BEING PRESENT, which I realized is my biggest downfall as far as being a light and service to others and myself. Our minds are animals, there is no denying or changing that fact. We were born into a fast passed world with endless influences and our neurons will keep firing like the little firecracker crackhead baby western generation we were born into, UNLESS we BREATHE. 

Here is what I realized- my mind spins on a circular axle of obsession given circumstance. One thing will dictate my behavior. For instance- it's sunny outside, therefore I will be happy all day. On the contrary- someone's actions deeply hurt me in a situation, therefore I will be miserable, distant, and indirectly aggressive towards everyone in my life due to one instance of misfortune that may have occurred the previous day, the previous month, or even 10 years ago. But what I didn't realize was that these feelings are no longer relevant to day I am existing in. Really think about that. Is how you feel in each instance of your life relevant to the exact moment? If not, there's an in-balance between your expressed thoughts, the thoughts you harbor, and your behaviors. Therefore, your life is OUT OF WACK and you are restricted from living to your full potential. This is what I have been living with my entire life and realizing that was utterly heartbreaking- I'm talking about a lot of tears (me being hard on myself) mourning time I had wasted holding things in when I could've set them down to be free. But, since making this first and potentially most important revelation, I've began to feel lighter in every sense possible. And to think making this change was as easy as BREATHING through the entirety of my body to bring awareness to where I stand in the moment...