Alone But Never Lonely

I've noticed tremendous shifts in my personality and behaviors over the past 6 months. One of the major changes is my time and how I fill it and who I fill it with. It's been difficult for me to consciously determine who and where I want to be and what I want to do. Part of me is obsessed with the idea that my closest companions in life need to share the same passions I do, think the way I do, and treat others the way I want them to. This is clearly ridiculous but for some time and for some reason I began to question everything I was surrounded by in order to agree with these expectations. I began to pull away from people and in turn spent a lot of time alone.

I've read all of the articles there is on this type of "transformation". Articles explaining how people's bad energies become stronger once you become more sensitive about your environment after constructing your ideal sense of place and how this discomfort was potentially sending me on my way there. What I'm referencing for those that are interested is this article. Yes, a lot of it applies to similar feelings I have been experiencing. Yoga instead of most every thing else in life, pressed juices over tequila shots, and yes almost my entire life and soul changed once I committed myself to the yoga world. My belief in this article is rooted in awareness. Awareness of our surroundings both physically but also relationally. Something I've never been good at.

I'm a wanderer. I've never settled for just one friend group or even stuck with a single sport for that matter. So when I began thinking that people needed to be more involved with my passions and lifestyle, obviously I felt some discomfort when I realized that almost no one did. Once I moved on I began focusing more on the personality traits of people I spent most of my time with. I also began to notice the authenticity of the countless friendships I seemed to have. That's where I hit another mental block.

Because when you have a lot of people to call on a Friday night but not many to stay in and cry on the couch and drink wine with when your family isn't doing well or you're overwhelmed with events in your life, when the real stuff happens- that's when you need to reevaluate where and with whom you're spending your time.

It's a sick cycle to break once you begin to justify superficial friendships and you start making excuses for yourself and others. I used to do this constantly. People were busy, I wasn't a good enough friend. It's dissatisfying to feel like you have to prove yourself all of the time in order to receive the free love which friendships are supposed to hold.

During or after realizing this, I spent a lot of time alone. I subconsciously began to evaluate situations and people with whom I felt the most drawn to and why. With this new found awareness I began to create a space that I was happy with and a space that I wanted to devote myself to. While I feel as if I'm still in the process of putting things in place, I no longer feel like I need to take master control over everything. I honestly feel as if life is happening and I'm merely a chess piece moving around underneath some divine control. Because despite feeling so confused, even still, with the process playing out in my life I see beautiful things unfolding; the people I value on an intimate level stay while the rest fade away. Isn't it cool how the universe can do that for you?

If I remember correctly I had this thought ("alone but never lonely") when I was going through teacher training. It was right around the time things started getting heavy and I started imploding, isolating myself in an attempt to answer questions I had. But the strange part of this seemingly horrible feeling was that it felt really really good. And after all of the time since then I haven't been able to figure out how to describe that in an accurate manner but, quite simply that's the bottom line. It feels good to fill my days with things I love, people I can talk to. It feels good riding my bike or walking to and from yoga class. It feels good reading books in my bed. It feels good trusting that while I may be doing things on my own for now, I will always have exactly what I need- exactly who I need. It feels good to know that when everything seems out of your control and you can step back and let things fall away with a smile and hopeful grace, you begin to live the epitome of your own life.